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Movies That Are Destroying America
Movies That Are Destroying America Stephen Colbert does a movie review of trailers he's seen as he emphasizes, "In and out in 3 minutes, that's my motto." and "Trailers break it down into bite size pieces and they give you the best part of the movie anyway.". Many times he admits that he has not actually seen the movie that he is reviewing; this often leads to a humorous and mistaken impression of the movie because he bases his understanding of it only on the content of the trailer. He also says he does it for American values. The show has done an "Awards Edition," a "Christmas Edition," and a "Summer Blockbuster Edition." *''Idiocracy'' terrible film on par with grapes of wrath. *''Interview with a Vampire''" Lame film and uber gay. The writer has since become a Christian so you can bet her post conversion work won't be made into a film. *''The Family Stone'' — "You people in Hollywood may think it's okay to shirk your responsibilities, trip the light fantastic and chill-out man, but real Americans work for a living. Take the kids to see it and when the're 30, they'll sell weed from under the basement." *''The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe'' — "This movie has been labeled a Christianity allegory because its hero, Aslan the lion, sacrifices his life on a hill top to save the world and through the power of love, rises from the grave to defeat evil. Sorry — doesn't work as an allegory. Last time I checked, Jesus wasn't a lion." *''Walk the Line'' — "Celebrates an outlaw who had the gall to sympathize with convicted felons." *''Pride & Prejudice'' — "What more can you say about a movie with one of the seven deadly sins right there on the title?" *''The Squid and the Whale'' — "Be warned, America; this is no sea-faring adventure. It's the worst family film since Blue Velvet, a terrible sequel to National Velvet." *''Match Point'' — "I went into this trailer expecting to catch a glimpse of Woody, or at least the young actor meant to stand in for him, but it was a waste of my three minutes." *''An Inconvenient Truth'' — "Starring Al Gore as - surprise! - a fear-monger." *''Hoot'' — "This time the Hollywood elite celebrates a bunch of teenagers fighting to save the nests of some burrowing owls. Burrowing owls? Know what that is? That's a rat with wings." *''Over the Hedge'' — "It's just a thinly veiled instructional videos for immigrants trying to sneak into our country." *''Mission Impossible III'' (referred to as "Miiih", as the poster says M:I:III) — "It's a movie about spies and what they do, but now is not the time to reveal our nation's most vital intelligence gathering methods, like falling out of skyscrapers, screaming at Philip Seymour Hoffman, and staring in a very manly fashion." *''A Scanner Darkly'' - (referring to the "exploding head" scene in the similarly-titled Scanners) "Who would put up $10 to see Keanu Reeves]' head explode? Come to think of it, I would." *''Barnyard'' - "A children's film about transsexual barnyard animals? I haven't seen a website more disgusting, and trust me, I've looked!" *"X-Men: The Last Stand" - "They are not taking a stand, they are taking a LEAN." Movies That Are Destroying America - Christmas Edition *''Deck The Halls'' A Yuletide snuff film. *''Black Christmas'' Stephen has been told there are no blacks in this film, but as he doesn't see color, and hasn't seen the film, he cannot be sure. It is also the worst remake of White Christmas ever. *''It's A Wonderful Life'' Communist townspeople conspire to prevent a God-fearing crippled capitalist from collecting what he is owed. Financed directly by the Soviet Secretariat of Film. Movies That Are Destroying America - 2007 Oscars Edition *All the south-of-the-border Mexican films nominated this year, including: :*''Babel'' :*''Pan's Labyrinth'' :*''Children of Men'' *''An Inconvenient Truth'' - made global warming sexy *''Little Miss Sunshine'' - Steve Carell abandons his career in journalism to portray a gay Proust scholar in a good light Plus the Oscars are being hosted by talk show host/sexual deviant Ellen DeGeneres. July 24, 2007 * 10,000 B.C. - for claiming that there was a 10,000 BC. The world is only 6000 years old. Haven't these Hollywood types read a geology book that is also the Bible? Featured Condemnations * Bratz - not about tasty grilled German sausage, but based on a line of toy dolls dressed up like whores who like to shop. It's message of nonjudgemental inclusiveness threatens to tear the delicate structure of high school cliques across the nation asunder. * I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - for making gay marriage look fun. And no one's going to vote for a constitutional amendment banning fun. Do note: we are forgiving Adam Sandler for this film but only because he's now a Republican. Other Movies Stephen Has Commented On *''The Wizard of Oz'' - Chock full of pinko subtext that takes place in a drug induced fantasyland populated by labor activists. Gay icon Dorothy kills a high-ranking Oz official, and then goes fugitive with an animal activist, a tree-hugger and a liberal activist. Movies that Stephen Has Recommended *''Good Night, and Good Luck'' — "Lionizes an American hero: Senator Joe McCarthy." *''Brokeback Mountain'' - "A story that promotes good old-fashioned values — I'm talking about Brokeback Mountain." *''TransAmerica'' - "First, it has America in the title and that's a plus... I assume the 'trans' part has something to do with the Trans-Am." *''Akeelah and the Bee'' - "This is one of the best food inspired movies since the Burger King film The Great Fry Adventure." *''Strangers with Candy'' - "A film fun for the whole family. Even grandma! She'll have more fun if she doesn't use the senior discount! Pay full price!" **Colbert's recommendation of the film Strangers with Candy and suggestion that seniors pay full price is actually an good idea, especially he wrote and co-starred in both the film and the Strangers with Candy TV show. *''Ocean's 13'' - a documentary about being handsome in a casino. *''Hairspray'' - featuring an exciting performance from a lovely, full-figure gal. Stephen's one quibble was that the poster bills John Travolta as the big star, but he watched the entire trailer and didn't see Travolta anywhere! Movies That Stephen Should Recommend *''Bears in a Submarine'' - The feel-good movie of the era. Makes me want to join the Navy just by reading about it. *Watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Movie External Tubes *Remakes that are destroying America *Alien movie destroys Afrika *Dangerous "Evolution" Movie to Destroy America!! *Movies That Are Saving America *Sci-Fi Movies that Are Destroying America